Its 1:56am and the vibration of my phone brings upon some type of pleasure. Whether its his attention or him I'm uncertain. The messages begin and end with a greeting followed by a destination. My heart races and my mind reverts to insecurities. I pace intensely while I await his arrival. Directly confused as to why I even pursed or accepted the offer. I wait..
As I anticipate his steps towards the door, I freeze inside, finding it difficult to breath. My own history has taught me defense over offense is always best. As he approaches me I'm in full defense.
I want him, but I don't. I wanna know how much he might want me so I pretend to be merely entertained by our conversation when in reality every inch of my body wants to hold him, touch him and love him. Even tho these things aren't impossible the aching I feel inside knowing he can reject that affection, slowly bitters my words. So unfair of me, forcing any kind of emotion on someone is not idealistic. I do it and I can replay it in my mind. I allow these emotions I've feared for years to sedate me inside.
Even though every moment is a grasp of fresh air, a timeless moment on a time line, I find myself in the same place I feared all along, a dungeon... so cold, so lonely. He doesn't understand turning over means come closer, or that a kiss to me is only the beginning, as I gently rub my hand down his chest. I rack my brain out trying to understand these meaningless attempts at human connection that leave my insides devastated in this dungeon.
The quick gesture goodbye after all is done, 3;52am and there I lay alone more hurt than the time before, knowing what it was meaning to me and knowing what it didn't mean to him. He doesn't know how I feel, nor would he understand. But he's hurting me more and more every time he steps out that door. When the tears begin to stream from my face, I feel like a fish without water, a soul without desire and child for not wanting to understand
You're a very strong writer, you should do it more often!
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