You just didn't get it, never wanted to sweat it.
It was just a me thing is what you thought,
But you didn't see all the hurt my heart sought
Lost and confused making me feel like I was just some muse
Why you making me feel like I'm something to use?
The silence in your eyes, was hiding lies
Oh how I wanted to reach out
look and stare without a doubt.
Can you see the pain in eyes?
So red with pain?
I knew I was never enough but I tired so hard to stay tuff
I'd be ruthless with words I didn't mean
And you'd do anything to stay away from me
I always go back on words, only cause I wanted to be yours
I hope you can forgive,
Ill keep you inside so I know you'll never leave.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Rejection
My biggest fear is rejection, but also a challenge I like to endure. I lost a part of myself early this morning, in tears that laid deep from within.
I lay reckless thinking once again, how devastated my heart feels knowing the knock I eagerly anticipated was no longer coming. Poisoned by my own lies, I retain the tears that so desperately drowned my intact heart. Why do I wish for you with such need? The seed was planted, it grew to a blossom and now slowly dies as it lacks the nurturing of your love and attention. How foolish am I in trying to save what has already died because I fed it so many lies.
My heart aches, my eyes water and my hands shake. So confused by you. I don't need you but I want you, but I do need you but you don't want me. I cringe at the thought of someone else in our space. I'm a mess, the girl in the mirror is such a disgrace. I wish I knew, had at least one clue, to solve this mystery. I'm weaker than a newborn, I'm hurting as if you were dying. Lord save me, I've been abandoned by his body, but haunted by his shadow. I once saw blue, it was only you! Now I see red, and my entire body feels dead.
I lay reckless thinking once again, how devastated my heart feels knowing the knock I eagerly anticipated was no longer coming. Poisoned by my own lies, I retain the tears that so desperately drowned my intact heart. Why do I wish for you with such need? The seed was planted, it grew to a blossom and now slowly dies as it lacks the nurturing of your love and attention. How foolish am I in trying to save what has already died because I fed it so many lies.
My heart aches, my eyes water and my hands shake. So confused by you. I don't need you but I want you, but I do need you but you don't want me. I cringe at the thought of someone else in our space. I'm a mess, the girl in the mirror is such a disgrace. I wish I knew, had at least one clue, to solve this mystery. I'm weaker than a newborn, I'm hurting as if you were dying. Lord save me, I've been abandoned by his body, but haunted by his shadow. I once saw blue, it was only you! Now I see red, and my entire body feels dead.
What you do to me
Its 1:56am and the vibration of my phone brings upon some type of pleasure. Whether its his attention or him I'm uncertain. The messages begin and end with a greeting followed by a destination. My heart races and my mind reverts to insecurities. I pace intensely while I await his arrival. Directly confused as to why I even pursed or accepted the offer. I wait..
As I anticipate his steps towards the door, I freeze inside, finding it difficult to breath. My own history has taught me defense over offense is always best. As he approaches me I'm in full defense.
I want him, but I don't. I wanna know how much he might want me so I pretend to be merely entertained by our conversation when in reality every inch of my body wants to hold him, touch him and love him. Even tho these things aren't impossible the aching I feel inside knowing he can reject that affection, slowly bitters my words. So unfair of me, forcing any kind of emotion on someone is not idealistic. I do it and I can replay it in my mind. I allow these emotions I've feared for years to sedate me inside.
Even though every moment is a grasp of fresh air, a timeless moment on a time line, I find myself in the same place I feared all along, a dungeon... so cold, so lonely. He doesn't understand turning over means come closer, or that a kiss to me is only the beginning, as I gently rub my hand down his chest. I rack my brain out trying to understand these meaningless attempts at human connection that leave my insides devastated in this dungeon.
The quick gesture goodbye after all is done, 3;52am and there I lay alone more hurt than the time before, knowing what it was meaning to me and knowing what it didn't mean to him. He doesn't know how I feel, nor would he understand. But he's hurting me more and more every time he steps out that door. When the tears begin to stream from my face, I feel like a fish without water, a soul without desire and child for not wanting to understand
As I anticipate his steps towards the door, I freeze inside, finding it difficult to breath. My own history has taught me defense over offense is always best. As he approaches me I'm in full defense.
I want him, but I don't. I wanna know how much he might want me so I pretend to be merely entertained by our conversation when in reality every inch of my body wants to hold him, touch him and love him. Even tho these things aren't impossible the aching I feel inside knowing he can reject that affection, slowly bitters my words. So unfair of me, forcing any kind of emotion on someone is not idealistic. I do it and I can replay it in my mind. I allow these emotions I've feared for years to sedate me inside.
Even though every moment is a grasp of fresh air, a timeless moment on a time line, I find myself in the same place I feared all along, a dungeon... so cold, so lonely. He doesn't understand turning over means come closer, or that a kiss to me is only the beginning, as I gently rub my hand down his chest. I rack my brain out trying to understand these meaningless attempts at human connection that leave my insides devastated in this dungeon.
The quick gesture goodbye after all is done, 3;52am and there I lay alone more hurt than the time before, knowing what it was meaning to me and knowing what it didn't mean to him. He doesn't know how I feel, nor would he understand. But he's hurting me more and more every time he steps out that door. When the tears begin to stream from my face, I feel like a fish without water, a soul without desire and child for not wanting to understand
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I still feel
Mins feel like months, hours feel like years. The thought of your name runs desperately through my mind at a continues pace. I can't stand this constant wondering through my mind, even tho I have the answers in front of my eyes. I was once again, just another girl, just another late night good time. It confuses me how I let myself become confused. I hurt knowing I didn't matter, that even though my cries are in front of his eyes, he chooses not to see. Blinded sided by my vulnerable heart. I'm an ocean boat a float, screaming in the empty sea for help and I'm the only reflection I see as I look down. Where do I go? How do I make do with the life I see in front of me?
His tender voice is all I hear, his sweet smile is all I see. His hand in mine is all I want to feel. The warmth of soft lips is all I yearn for. I wish he could see and feel what I feel. As I close my eyes, I imagine how he pretended to love the moments as we laid together, my arms in his, his in mine. My eyes gazing as he gazes back into mine. Followed by a hug that says "ill keep you save." I relapse to reality I know I can only save myself, I know this time it will be different. I understand I have been reckless, trying to put together a mess. I hold back the tears that keep my heart from wanting to rupture. That warmth of a tear, is my heart collapsing, unwillingly. I thought I could be, but I know I shouldn't be, but I know I can't be, just another girl.
His tender voice is all I hear, his sweet smile is all I see. His hand in mine is all I want to feel. The warmth of soft lips is all I yearn for. I wish he could see and feel what I feel. As I close my eyes, I imagine how he pretended to love the moments as we laid together, my arms in his, his in mine. My eyes gazing as he gazes back into mine. Followed by a hug that says "ill keep you save." I relapse to reality I know I can only save myself, I know this time it will be different. I understand I have been reckless, trying to put together a mess. I hold back the tears that keep my heart from wanting to rupture. That warmth of a tear, is my heart collapsing, unwillingly. I thought I could be, but I know I shouldn't be, but I know I can't be, just another girl.
love crazed
Why do I still pounder this agony?
I sit around waiting for the day he'll come back my way
I feel so strayed away
My memories haunt me,
The aching feeling inside my chest
Feels like its getting harder to breath
I grasp, but I can longer see
I feel like a body in a cold desert night
Parched of thirst, while tears fill my eyes
He was my only warm light
He doesn't care, won't even stare
My sight is gone
He left me all alone
But here I am
I'm becoming my own
I sit around waiting for the day he'll come back my way
I feel so strayed away
My memories haunt me,
The aching feeling inside my chest
Feels like its getting harder to breath
I grasp, but I can longer see
I feel like a body in a cold desert night
Parched of thirst, while tears fill my eyes
He was my only warm light
He doesn't care, won't even stare
My sight is gone
He left me all alone
But here I am
I'm becoming my own
What already know, but don't wanna understand
I'm holding back a feeling, an the thought that this feeling moves my heart terrifies me. I hate feeling because it reminds me of how lonely I feel in moments like this. Moments that feel like my entire world is tumbling down. Then finally I take a deep breath, and my biggest fear comes true a stream of warm tears fall from eyes. My vision is blurred and body shaken. I look at the girl in mirror and that reflection disappears faster than I can close my eyes.
I feel foolish for thinking I should speak on my feelings even partially. I got back to where I was before, just with tears falling like a waterfall this time. No ones ever loved me like that 16 year old boy and I don't think anyone will anytime soon. I realize that deception is very primitive, and escaping it is out of the question. I wish I wasn't susceptible to hurt to disappointment and goodbyes but one day after all my running ill find my home. I know I'm doing the right thing by running a million miles in the other direction now. He won't ever give me what I want and need, it was just all a moment of despair that weakened me to think I could be lovable. Not yet, I'm clearly not ready!
I feel foolish for thinking I should speak on my feelings even partially. I got back to where I was before, just with tears falling like a waterfall this time. No ones ever loved me like that 16 year old boy and I don't think anyone will anytime soon. I realize that deception is very primitive, and escaping it is out of the question. I wish I wasn't susceptible to hurt to disappointment and goodbyes but one day after all my running ill find my home. I know I'm doing the right thing by running a million miles in the other direction now. He won't ever give me what I want and need, it was just all a moment of despair that weakened me to think I could be lovable. Not yet, I'm clearly not ready!
My heart on paper
I never really understood what pain felt like till your body turned to shadow that soon turn to mist. It was like a trembling body over looking its grave, so cold and lonely. It was clear I wasn't me when my own reflection didn't feel like me, there I was a body with no soul. No dreams, no goals only pain that couldn't be told in words but rather in streams of tears that flooded my hands and face. Those tears said it all, I couldn't speak, I held in my sighs, like it was finally time to say goodbye. It hurt to know you disappeared, vanished like a shooting star without a trace or destination.
The roads that lead us together soon lead us apart and my foot prints still engraved while yours dissolved as you walked away. I didn't understand, I still don't understand. You left me suffocating and didn't care. I loved you more than a mother to there child and you abandoned me, and left me for dead, while your memories buried me. I'm an ocean searching for sand a new plan. But my heart is destined for misery, like a piano without keys. I await my soulful sound, to once play the song that dried my eyes that should have never made me cry.
The roads that lead us together soon lead us apart and my foot prints still engraved while yours dissolved as you walked away. I didn't understand, I still don't understand. You left me suffocating and didn't care. I loved you more than a mother to there child and you abandoned me, and left me for dead, while your memories buried me. I'm an ocean searching for sand a new plan. But my heart is destined for misery, like a piano without keys. I await my soulful sound, to once play the song that dried my eyes that should have never made me cry.
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